Thursday, July 22, 2010

better off without either

Gosh a lot has happened with the 2 guys...

I had kind of given up on HT guy...mainly because I figured it wouldn't work out, but I still has feelings for him, and am still VERY attracted to him.

And mr. guitar player guy...I will call him guy #2, he and I have become closer.

Guy #2 and I started hanging out like a few nights a week. We get coffee and spend time at the park and just laugh and have an awesome time and flirt. And I remind him of how I want to be just friends. But then, after spending more and more time with him, I start to develop feelings. Maybe it's lonliness or something more? Either way, it makes me freak out because I am not physically attracted to this guy at all. Call me shallow, but hes like a 300 pound redhead. But he is someone that I trust, and love to talk to, and he is so sweet to me and makes me feel good and beautiful. But I feel like he is trying to butter me up so that I will hook up with him, which I dont want to do at all!

In the meantime, it's Tuesday, and I decided to drive to the mall to drop off a birthday present (a tutu I hand made) for HT guy's daughter. Turns out, its his day off, so I leave it with his manager. I decide to visit a friend at her work and we talk for a while, and I find out some things that make my stomach turn.

My friend informs me that HT guy has been dating one of his managers (who I befriended and now I feel like a dumb ass for not noticing the signs of him dating her before) on and off again for months. She has been buying his KIDS (yes, kids plural. He has 2) clothes and has been driving him to work since he doesnt have a car anymore. Also, apparently he does cocaine, which is SO NOT COOL. Well I get all upset, but then remember that I am going to be meeting up with guy #2 for dinner, so it will get my mind off of things.

Well guy#2 made other plans cuz he didnt feel like waiting around for me. (guy #2 has been seeing a woman that is married and has kids and is thinking of leaving her husband, and they like each other. And she knows about me too) So he was like "im with her, but ill be done in an hour, wanna meet up?" Well I freak out and am like "nope have a nice time" Then later I texted him something like "I'm sorry, I shouldnt depend on you to make me happy, and I cant be around you if you are involved with someone else" Then he texts me later that night and stuff is back to being just OK.

Well in the meantime, I have already posted horrible things on fb about HT guy and guy#2. And friends commented and made me feel better, then I deleted the posts.

So the next day, yesterday, (wednesday) I have the day off and basically feel like crap. I decide to text guy #2 all day and whatnot, just like we usually do. And then I waited until he was close to leaving work to ask him what he was doing after work, and he tells me he'll be with HER till 10, then he's free afterwards. Well I get all pissy and I'm like "well im in a good mood, i look hot, and i was hoping to hang out with you, but its your loss. get back to me when you arent preoccupied"

So this morning, I post something on fb like "if one wants to make up for being a dumb ass, show up at my work with my favorite starbucks drink and tickets to see Paramore" (im so dumb lol)

Guy#2 sends me a text saying "when are you free? we need to talk?" and Im like "about what?" he says "not much, just wanna understand each other a little better"

Then he says this:"Well I think you like me and have feelings for me especially now that you are done with HT guy! But youre not telling me that. You tell me you just want to be friends but yet you get mad when I go out with HER! Even though weve been friends longer than her and I have kmown each other....Just doesnt make sense to me and I would like to know what the deal is!"

So i had to call him cuz texting would take forever and wouldnt get my tone across.

I basically said: I cant hang out with him because I am developing feelings for him and I just want to be friends because I dont want to be tied down to anyone right now. And I was sorry for getting mad about him hanging out with HER, but I think what he is doing is wrong and he is just going to get hurt. I said sorry for saying mean things on facebook and taking out my frustration with HT guy out on him. And I said I need to time to get my stuff straightened out, but I cant be friends with him right now.

As far as HT guy goes, I basically told him: So this is really hard for me to say, but you probably wont be hearing from me for a while. Im pretty hurt and dont think I can deal with you dating someone else. I know you never wanted to date me, and thats fine, I accept that. But I just cant deal with it. Im sorry. Ill be around if you ever need me, but im done trying to be something when its clearly not anything.

He said: IDK what youre talking about, everythings been really crazy w/ me, i literally got kicked out today and am now at my dads

I said: Im sorry, I didnt know. This really has nothing to do with you, but I just feel like its hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for and they arent returned. I have some things that i am going through too, and I just feel like the world is ending and the people that i care about dont care about me back. I just need time.

He said: Thats understandable, i feel the same way, i just havent been givin out a lot of attention to anyone, just tryin to focus on myself

I said: Thats fine. Its really hard tho. And I cant deal with it. Im sorry. I will see you at shows because I am committed to your band's success. And please do let me know how (DAUGHTERSNAME) likes her gift.

He said: OK i will, im sure when things get better for the both of us itll be different, im just havin a hard time dealin w/ life rite now

I said: I am too, tho my things are different than yours. But like I said, Im always here.

He said: same here, even though i may not give you a lot of attention. im just in a weird place right now

I said: Its ok, I dont demand attention. It just feels like im not being appreciated I guess...but yeah, i brought that upon myself.

He said: itll be ok eventually

I said: yeah. well i hope things get better for you. Talk to you later.

I think I did the right thing, but part of me misses both guys. I dunno. I guess I will see what God does for me now. They have been both put in my life for a reason, so come on God and show me why!!!?

Thats all for now.

1 comment:

Ashley Obsession said...

Hey There Lovely,
I miss you and your blogs.
The distance between us grows when we don't talk to each other often.
Text me, facebook me, email me, phone me, twitter me, lol