Sunday, December 12, 2010

It's been 5 months...

...since I have written in the saga that is my crazy love life. Or rather the lack of it. I seem to be having this issue lately. I have fallen for someone, however it is mainly a mental attraction rather than a physical one. I don;t necessarily think that he is cute, or even my "type", but damn I feel great when I am around him, which is a lot of the time. I dunno. It's a longer, complicated situation than I feel comfortable talking about online.

In other dramatic news, my best friend of almost 10 years is moving. To friggin Portland, Oregon! That is in the complete opposite direction of where I am. I feel like I have taken her for granted all of the years and now that she is leaving I am freaking out like majorly. What am I going to do without her? It's all so confusing and upsetting to me. I love her.

I don't know what has gotten into me lately. I am super depressed and unhappy and just want to cry. But if I start, will I be able to stop?

Christmas is 2 weeks away.

The Cranberries "I can't be with you" just came on. How ironic.

Thats all for now...

xoxo me

Thursday, July 22, 2010

better off without either

Gosh a lot has happened with the 2 guys...

I had kind of given up on HT guy...mainly because I figured it wouldn't work out, but I still has feelings for him, and am still VERY attracted to him.

And mr. guitar player guy...I will call him guy #2, he and I have become closer.

Guy #2 and I started hanging out like a few nights a week. We get coffee and spend time at the park and just laugh and have an awesome time and flirt. And I remind him of how I want to be just friends. But then, after spending more and more time with him, I start to develop feelings. Maybe it's lonliness or something more? Either way, it makes me freak out because I am not physically attracted to this guy at all. Call me shallow, but hes like a 300 pound redhead. But he is someone that I trust, and love to talk to, and he is so sweet to me and makes me feel good and beautiful. But I feel like he is trying to butter me up so that I will hook up with him, which I dont want to do at all!

In the meantime, it's Tuesday, and I decided to drive to the mall to drop off a birthday present (a tutu I hand made) for HT guy's daughter. Turns out, its his day off, so I leave it with his manager. I decide to visit a friend at her work and we talk for a while, and I find out some things that make my stomach turn.

My friend informs me that HT guy has been dating one of his managers (who I befriended and now I feel like a dumb ass for not noticing the signs of him dating her before) on and off again for months. She has been buying his KIDS (yes, kids plural. He has 2) clothes and has been driving him to work since he doesnt have a car anymore. Also, apparently he does cocaine, which is SO NOT COOL. Well I get all upset, but then remember that I am going to be meeting up with guy #2 for dinner, so it will get my mind off of things.

Well guy#2 made other plans cuz he didnt feel like waiting around for me. (guy #2 has been seeing a woman that is married and has kids and is thinking of leaving her husband, and they like each other. And she knows about me too) So he was like "im with her, but ill be done in an hour, wanna meet up?" Well I freak out and am like "nope have a nice time" Then later I texted him something like "I'm sorry, I shouldnt depend on you to make me happy, and I cant be around you if you are involved with someone else" Then he texts me later that night and stuff is back to being just OK.

Well in the meantime, I have already posted horrible things on fb about HT guy and guy#2. And friends commented and made me feel better, then I deleted the posts.

So the next day, yesterday, (wednesday) I have the day off and basically feel like crap. I decide to text guy #2 all day and whatnot, just like we usually do. And then I waited until he was close to leaving work to ask him what he was doing after work, and he tells me he'll be with HER till 10, then he's free afterwards. Well I get all pissy and I'm like "well im in a good mood, i look hot, and i was hoping to hang out with you, but its your loss. get back to me when you arent preoccupied"

So this morning, I post something on fb like "if one wants to make up for being a dumb ass, show up at my work with my favorite starbucks drink and tickets to see Paramore" (im so dumb lol)

Guy#2 sends me a text saying "when are you free? we need to talk?" and Im like "about what?" he says "not much, just wanna understand each other a little better"

Then he says this:"Well I think you like me and have feelings for me especially now that you are done with HT guy! But youre not telling me that. You tell me you just want to be friends but yet you get mad when I go out with HER! Even though weve been friends longer than her and I have kmown each other....Just doesnt make sense to me and I would like to know what the deal is!"

So i had to call him cuz texting would take forever and wouldnt get my tone across.

I basically said: I cant hang out with him because I am developing feelings for him and I just want to be friends because I dont want to be tied down to anyone right now. And I was sorry for getting mad about him hanging out with HER, but I think what he is doing is wrong and he is just going to get hurt. I said sorry for saying mean things on facebook and taking out my frustration with HT guy out on him. And I said I need to time to get my stuff straightened out, but I cant be friends with him right now.

As far as HT guy goes, I basically told him: So this is really hard for me to say, but you probably wont be hearing from me for a while. Im pretty hurt and dont think I can deal with you dating someone else. I know you never wanted to date me, and thats fine, I accept that. But I just cant deal with it. Im sorry. Ill be around if you ever need me, but im done trying to be something when its clearly not anything.

He said: IDK what youre talking about, everythings been really crazy w/ me, i literally got kicked out today and am now at my dads

I said: Im sorry, I didnt know. This really has nothing to do with you, but I just feel like its hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for and they arent returned. I have some things that i am going through too, and I just feel like the world is ending and the people that i care about dont care about me back. I just need time.

He said: Thats understandable, i feel the same way, i just havent been givin out a lot of attention to anyone, just tryin to focus on myself

I said: Thats fine. Its really hard tho. And I cant deal with it. Im sorry. I will see you at shows because I am committed to your band's success. And please do let me know how (DAUGHTERSNAME) likes her gift.

He said: OK i will, im sure when things get better for the both of us itll be different, im just havin a hard time dealin w/ life rite now

I said: I am too, tho my things are different than yours. But like I said, Im always here.

He said: same here, even though i may not give you a lot of attention. im just in a weird place right now

I said: Its ok, I dont demand attention. It just feels like im not being appreciated I guess...but yeah, i brought that upon myself.

He said: itll be ok eventually

I said: yeah. well i hope things get better for you. Talk to you later.

I think I did the right thing, but part of me misses both guys. I dunno. I guess I will see what God does for me now. They have been both put in my life for a reason, so come on God and show me why!!!?

Thats all for now.

Monday, June 21, 2010

everything is different today, i like it, like it.

I think yesterday was another one of those shit days where stuff is all confusing and it gets in the way of your work.

Mr guitar player guy has gotten the wrong impression of my TOTALLY. But it may have been my own damn fault. The other night (Saturday night) I went out with coworkers and had drinks. Well I am a drunk texter, which is never good. I was texting him the whole time I was there. Bad idea. I was oblivious to what he was saying back to me. Calling my baby and sexy and stuff.

So Sunday rolls around and we are texting and he was starting to get a little bit awkward. Here's how the convo went...

(he was talking about my legs. and said he should probably keep his thoughts to himself.)

Me: probably should. Well if you decide to stop by, let me know. Have a good day!

Him: Lmao they are good thoughts dont get all huffy lol i just think you look goos thats all lol you are quite the hottie.

me: ok and im not getting huffy! lol you could tell i was getting weirded out...thats funny

him: why the hell do you get weirded out about me telling you you are a cutie?????? if a girl like you were to ever talk sweet to me like that would blow my mind

me: i guess it just makes me weird because im not use to if for one. and two you barely talk to me in person. and i guess the whole situation with *INSERTNAMEHERE* is still weird so i feel awkward and stuff.

him: well the reason i barely talk to you in person is because of *INSERTNAMEHERE*! i dont want him thinking im trying anything with you! i don't know what he considers you guys so i dont wanna step on toes! ive learned not to really talk to any girls *INSERTNAMEHERE* brings around lol and for the record i talked to you a lot at *VENUENAME* i had a great time talking to you

me: yeah i was happy that you talked to me there! i think when it comes to *INSERTNAMEHERE* he needs to get himself all taken care of before he can be with anyone, but we like each other so its kind of like im not wanting to be with anyone so i can be with him? if that makes any sense to me

him: yeah lol it makes perfect sense to me girl...have a good one.

Then he stopped talking to me all day. I dont think I have done anything wrong. I have been neutral and non flirty and told him straight up right when he first started talking to me! Whatever.

So then, later that day, I found out that my guy, aka *INSERTNAMEHERE* haha got his phone turned back on and we were texting just random small talk. And I asked him what he wanted me to bring him from cali and he said "haha just come back!" i thought it was so cute. And I said "of course i will, but in 348 im moving* and he said "We'll see lol" So i am thinking that now that i finally said something about liking him, he is reciprocating? or maybe im just reading into things...hmm

well thats all for now. i got a lot of stuff to do. later.


Saturday, June 19, 2010

love hurts when you do it right, you can cry when you get older

Last night was a night that was weird. Just weird, cuz there is no other way to even describe it...

The band had a gig last night. I rode over with the drummer and we had a nice long talk. He informed me that my guy that I like just had ANOTHER KID from a girl that he drunkenly slept with on his birthday. Hearing it from someone else really upset me. Especially since my guy and I have recently gotten closer.

It was so awkward pulling up to the venue. He was standing there with a girl who I had assumed was the momma. (I later found out she wasnt) So I was all angry and stuff and barely said like 2 words to him. The night continued its awkwardness as I hung out with the lead singer's girlfriend by the merch. We even took off for Rutters and got snacks. I was too upset to eat, so I got a liter of diet coke to drink and some grape bubble gum.

While I was outside talking to him, he was like "what's wrong? Do you wanna talk?" I said yes and we walked away from the venue. And here is what I said...

"I have to tell you something...I like you. A lot. And I know you have a lot of stuff going on, but I just wanted you to know that. I am not trying to be in a relationship with you, but I really like you and I needed to get that off my chest.And it really hurt me that you never once told me that you were having another child, and I had to hear it from someone else."

He proceeded with the fact that he didnt know how to tell people and he was just frustrated with his whole situation and everything going on his life. And he said "there is definitely an attraction" but he isnt wanting to get involved with anyone (which he has said over and over and over. can you say COP OUT!)

Then I went on with "I just want to grab you and hug you and tell you everything is going to be ok. And I wish I could steal you and take you with me to California."

He said "I am stuck here now and I have no car, a crappy job, 2 kids, and my phone got shut off cuz I couldnt pay for it"

I had also said something like "I've heard from everyone that you are a type of womanizer and have all these girls in your life, and I know that I am probably just another one of them, but I want you to know that I am different. I am always going to be here for you. I care about you and I am doing everything I can to help your band out so that you can become successful."

He was appreciative and we walked back to the venue and went inside for some more awkwardness.

When the band finally went on stage, I did my best to take pictures and videos of everything. After the show, I saw a guy walk up to my guy and they were looking at me and smiling and talking. I yelled "are you talking about me?" The guy came over and said "yeah. I was just telling him about how you are the best band girlfriend ever!" And I said to him "Yeah, Im not a band girlfriend". I knew my guy heard, as he continued to pack up his equipment.

The night ended with a hug from all, and I left. I so badly wanted to just grab him and hug him for a long time and just be close, but he didnt want that. And as I left, I saw him walk another girl to her car.

SO this is my crazy love life. And now I have to get through the day somehow in one piece. Wish me luck.

xox. joelle

Monday, June 14, 2010

WTF whoa!I

Its been quite a while since I have posted a blog. I dont even know where to begin. The past 2 days have been insane, really. I have yet ANOTHER guy problem, only this time, it's a different guy.

So HT guy (the one that I previously mentioned as having a HUGE crush on) is in a band. And in the band, there is a guy who has been talking to me a lot lately. At first he was being really sweet and nice and polite and stuff. But then, he started being gross, I mean GROSS. He started sending me text messages last night with suggestive material as to what he wants to do with me. And it was pretty graphic. It made me really uncomfortable. I told him that too. So we just made casual conversation the rest of the night. Well today we were texting just about me being upset about my debit card issue, and he started asking me what panties I had on! EW! SO I was like Dude, stop it. You cant say those things to me and you are making me uncomfortable. So I ignored the rest of his texts for the day. I dont know what to do.

In the mean time, I was texting HT guy all morning. He is so sweet and nice and was there for me today when I needed someone to talk to about my debit card.*

*SIDENOTE: My debit card had purchases on it that I did not make, and I had to get a new card and it cost $30 so I can get it here in time before I leave for vacation. Also, I had to freeze the account so no other charges will be made. SO basically it is back to old school with paying for things and getting money out and stuff. PAIN IN THE ASS!*

So anyway, Im just like how do I deal with this situation? Do I tell mr HT that his band mate has been creeping me out and hitting on me and stuff? I dont wanna tear their band apart and their friendship, but I also dont want to keep anything from HT guy. I guess for now I will ignore the one guy and not mention anything to HT guy.

And I am going to this cd release thing of theirs on Wednesday, so I have to see both of them and I know itll be awkward with the one guy. I just wanna get HT guy alone and kiss him so badly! I think we both know that the other likes each other. We just know it cant be because of life isnt letting us. So we remain friends. Frustrating, but I am certainly NOT going to have a booty call relationship with the other guy to satisfy my urges. HELL NO!

I guess thats all for now. I go to Cali in 11 days, hopefully with a new debit card and no stress. We will see. Laters.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

i think i made a mistake

Remember last blog? Yeah I think I made a mistake. I should have told him that I have crushy feelings for him. Or should I have?

So I was on facebook today (aka the bearer of all news bad and good) and I see all these pictures from some girl's album that he is tagged in. He is clearly drunk in all of them, and with this girl, who is nowhere near as hot as me lol. SO when I see this, I get this sick feeling in my stomach. I'm not sure if it's jealousy, or what, but it was not a good feeling.

I was all content with the idea that we were going to be friends and I would never speak up about how I feel, at least not for a while. So then why do I get all upset when I see him with other girls? It's such a lust thing. I dunno, I need to get over it.

I dont know what to do. His fb profile said that he wasnt going to be home all week because he'd be out having fun and he hopes his bed with take him back after this week. Does that mean he is sleeping at a bunch of girls' houses?

I got to get all of this paranoia out of my head, and not let this upset me or ruin my day.

I guess that's it for now.

x. joelle :/

Sunday, May 23, 2010

a quick update on life, love, and stuff

Well yesterday was a day that I needed. After a boring day at work, I ended up meeting with the guy I really like for coffee.

It was a much needed trip. I was all nerves because I have a huge crush on him. After an amazing 2 hour conversation about our lives, music, movies, love, etc, I realized that he is not the guy for me. However, I feel that he has been put into my life for a reason. Not sure what that is yet, but I'm sure it will be revealed to me eventually. I am excited to find out though.

I always try to be the kind of person that brings a positive light into other people's lives. I have had a lot of experiences in life that weren't the best, done some things that are horrible, and have hurt and lost people that I have cared about. But I am trying to be a person that will go out of their way for others and help out as much as I can without it tearing me to pieces. Does that make sense? I always give positive advice and do nothing but edify people and not tear them down, even if they do things that upset or hurt me.

So with the situation with this guy, I feel like I am that person in his life. Like he wants me to be in his life to help lift up his spirits and provide encouragement. I may be reading into this completely wrong, but that is what I want to believe, and that's what I will live by for now. He once told me "you're like an extra long fortune cookie". One of my favorite compliments ever.

As far as this situation goes, I will leave it as is. He will be my friend. I will be there for him, but I will no longer help him out financially (I lent him $40 once for gas) and I will no longer go out of my way to see him. I will, however, support his music career, and be a positive friend and person in his life.

I posted this Bible verse on my facebook page, and I think it not only speaks truth but it applies to my life right now and the current struggles I am facing.

1 Peter 5:10 "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace,
who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ,... will himself restore,
confirm, strengthen, and establish you"

I cant wait for the day when I will truely be blessed and be shown what God has in store for my life. Until then, I am going to live my life :)